[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
You Might Also Like
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
#growingpains
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Current mood: Potato
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined