Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
me: my friends:
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.