Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.