I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
security at the airport getting more straightforward
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.