These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
happy mother’s day❤️
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want