Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog