Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.