Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google