Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Never forget.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word