I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened