I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.