Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Fries, not lies.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer