Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
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no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I love you…
…r dog.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…