Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun