It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
You Might Also Like
#have a #great #PancakeDay
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Did my cat write this
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree