Did my cat write this
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Meeeee too!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised