Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
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Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
i baked you a cake
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Okay me first
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac