Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.