Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS