My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
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Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.