*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
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I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.