My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It鈥檒l probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I didn鈥檛 say I don鈥檛 believe in god, I鈥檓 just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Violence is not the answer, unless you鈥檙e a gaggle of children instructed to break into a pi帽ata.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don鈥檛 own a tank i only have this car
It鈥檚 that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 馃槙
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.