Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You Might Also Like
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.