Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
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That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear