me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
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Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”