“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.