me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke