[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.