tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?