Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*