Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
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They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
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I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it