Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Meow
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on