Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
This kid is a star!
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
😂😂😂
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”