TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Labreador
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The human personality is made of five key elements
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination