@theshantilly NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
@meganamram When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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@theshantilly 
@fillthevacuum *arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
@LoveNLunchmeat Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
@Fred_Delicious Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
@JohnLyonTweets Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
@Hurly_Burly 878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
@StcyBnsn You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
@curlycomedy The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
@LORDWHEEZER So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
@DaddyBeerGuy In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!