@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

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@theshantilly

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

@JohnLyonTweets

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

@Hurly_Burly

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

@StcyBnsn

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!