When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us