When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You Might Also Like
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
At least he brought enough for everyone
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.