When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.