My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
So true for me
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?