Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
girls literally only want one thing..
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
never forget
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.