Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is