Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
DOOO EEEET
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline