To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
You Might Also Like
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Smooooooth
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
#Caturday
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”