I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
This is a true ally.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.