One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
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My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference