the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.