When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
You Might Also Like
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
58.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.