the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.