You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Netflix and awkward silence?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?