I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
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My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”