I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I just ran a .003048K
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.