Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait