I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
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*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*
dog *hands me a beer*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.