@brakco

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

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@iwearaonesie

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

@Dakota_Conduct

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

@ScottLinnen

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

@st__arving

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

@DrunjAF

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

@zachreinert0

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

@SortaBad

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

@TheRobCee

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.