the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Phonetics
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
my mind
You just read my mind
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
man i love columbo
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I have no passwords left in me