Phonetics
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
How about I get 100% off by already being there