*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
You Might Also Like
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral