Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.