Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
me irl
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?