i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me