You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
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If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.