I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
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“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.